Things People Actually Said in Court as Recorded by Court Reporters

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ***
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
 check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood  pressure?
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
 when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
 nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
 and practicing law.
 ***
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you   forgot?
 ***
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
 that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Mary!
 ***
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ***
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
 his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ***
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need  a
 different attorney. Can I get a new  attorney?
 ***
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
WITNESS: Oral.